Of The Three Metamorphoses And A Return

Old friends, I bet you have been wondering where I've been since my long descent into silence. I remember leaving you off with a bubbly air of optimism. But these superficial expressions of triumph were unsurprisingly short lived. Soon enough the Demons of Doubt came knocking. And I had to answer.

Listening to the intermediate mix, something felt horribly amiss. I knew it shouldn't sound like this. But I couldn't point out the shortcomings. Ever growing doubt and confusion gradually sent my work into deep hibernation and their creator to even deeper discontent.

I needed the silence to think. I packed my bag and headed from my town and her mountains to the desert for a week of silent meditation.

Of the three metamorphoses of the spirit spoke Nietzsche: First the spirit becometh a camel, the camel a lion, and the lion at last a child.

"All these heaviest things the load-bearing spirit taketh upon itself", wrote Nietzsche, "and like the camel, which, when laden, hasteneth into the wilderness, so hasteneth the spirit into its wilderness".

But in the wilderness, something strange happens: "here the spirit becometh a lion; freedom will it capture, and lordship in its own wilderness". He will fight his last dragon, a beast named "Thou Shalt", which he is no longer inclined to call Lord and God. The triumphant warrior goes on to become a sovereign of his spirit, embodied in Nietzsche's parable by "The Child".

I believe this extreme form of art which I live and breathe – both in the process of creating and exploring existing works - can serve as a means for these metamorphoses of the spirit.

Silence of speech and mind, along with the barren, unforgiving landscapes of the desert were an inseparable part of the creative process. From the silence and emptiness emerged a sense of clarity and purpose. This was an ontological glimpse unto the next phase. My next stand against the dragon, a challenge of honor to which I must rise up and emerge victorious. I returned with a renewed sense of resolve to complete this journey at any price. Quitting now will be a disservice and a dishonor.

The turning point came when I realized my doubts were a product of burdening myself with false ideas on my work, not knowing I still did not know. At that stage, I still didn't have the drums and bass on tape. I couldn't judge the final product based on intermediate results. I had to reexamine the tracks we've gathered so far, move on to the next phase of recordings and put an end to the guesswork.

Sometimes a camel needs the silence of the desert to heed the false burdens on his back.